GGC: The Graduate’s Guide to the Company

Posted: September 14, 2008 in Graduate's Guide to the Company
Tags: , , , , ,

Ever since I had a job, I constantly found myself wishing for a guide of some sort. To be honest, I was not really interested in a guide of any sort, I wanted the guide that is the mother of all guides. I wanted a guide  that knew anything and everything about working in a company, knew when to oil your boss and when to oil your bosses boss, knew how to choose between jobs and how to find new jobs. I wanted the guide of all guides. Basically I wanted a Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

Since there is very little chance of finding one such guide on Earth (it may be stressed that such a guide is most likely in existence somewhere in the universe simply due to the vastness of the universe itself and the law of probability), I have decided to write one myself. Therefore ladies, gentlemen, androids and corporate slaves, welcome to

The Company

According to the guide, the Company is the largest paradoxical being in the history of the universe. Anyone outside it’s influence want to be in it, and everyone in it wants to get out. The only other being that the Company is similar to is a Vogon. Therefore, by definition of a Vogon, a company is a large and unpleasant being mostly concerned with order among the people near it and a great fan of paperwork. It is not evil, in the sense of the word, but according to the people who has come into the contact of a Company, it is preferable to stay away from one. As for it’s love of paperwork, it is said that if the Companies were not in existence, there would be a lot more trees left in the universe. In fact, Composphere, the home planet of the Companies, was destroyed due to massive logging and paper-making leading to global warming and eventual destruction of the planet.

History of the Company suggests that they settled into various parts of the universe right around the time human race came into existence, roughly somewhere in the official galactic year of 420.666. Coincidentally, this is the year when Earth was declared off limits to all galactic being except the Companies.

Today Companies are spread across the universe in many forms. In the second capital of the Galactic Empire of Darth Vader, Companies are large leech-like creatures that try to suck money out of any unaware civilian near them. Unfortunately, during the process, the civilian usually dies.

Food habits of the Company are variable in nature. But they usually prefer money. When in short of money Companies have been known to have cannibalistic nature. Large Companies, when hungry, eat smaller Companies.

Companies have a habit of sharing small portions of their food with people around them. That is why beings who like money tend to be around Companies.

What to do when you face one in a dark and blocked alley?

Most people say that you deserve to die because you let yourself get caught in that position. Others say that running or fighting is futile. Any fight with a Company can only be won if you have another Company’s support.

If you are all alone in that alley with no hope of help from anywhere.

Take a piece of paper and a laptop and pretend to be hard at work.

It helps.

  1. tareq says:

    very well expressed… witty and sarcastic… keep it up.

  2. Muaz Jalil says:

    Joooosh!! As the name of the blog goes, Keep Rolling. After all you have to turn this in to a 5 part trilogy series, like the original one.

  3. sadia says:

    u are not yet douglas adams, but this is real good!!!
    i especially like the last para, cool!

  4. drabir says:

    Douglas Adams???? That is not even aiming for moon, that’s aiming for Alfa Centauri or something further. He is far too crazy and fun 🙂

  5. […] GGC; Graduate’s Guide to the Company […]

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