Archive for the ‘Graduate’s Guide to the Company’ Category


Management are the only people close to the companies. Roughly humanoid, strangely detached and horrendously, horrible, scream-out-loud ugly is one way of explaining them. Some say they

Managements are roughly humanoid beings under the influence of one or more Companies. Their humanoid forms are maintained by a Strictly Professional Look (SPL) disguise field generators. SPL generators are exactly like other disguise field generation technologies, excepting one big difference. They are powered by indecision and inexperience of the people surrounding them. However, when the indecisiveness and inexperience of the SPL user is greater than that of the surrounding, the SPL generator does not work properly and gives out a non-SPL (Strictly Professional Look with a shabby and worn out face). And since most management is indecisive due to inexperience, they always tend to look worn out and old.

No one knows what a management actually looks like under the disguise. According to some, management usually has a boggart like tendency to become the worst fear of the people surrounding it. Some argue that true form a management is visible for split second when it is removed from the influence of a company by force. Some say managements are two headed humanoid creatures. One of their head constantly gives out praises for their superiors. The other continuously shouts at the people who work for them. Some argue that there is a third head capable of uttering only one phrase, “Yes boss/sir”. Apparently that head only comes into action when the Management faces the CEO (definition of CEO is covered in a later edition of GGC).

Most management are actually EMPLOYEES. They are usually identified as potential management material very early on in their life. EMPLOYEES who do no work but still can get away with it are the primary candidates. However the final selection happens based on a ritual called the Yearly Review (YR). Yearly Review is the ritualistic slaughter of the people who work hard and the deification of the people who work smart (Work Smart is a well used phrase which is applicable when you don’t work, claim others work as yours and get promoted). Those who show the highest score in Work Smart in YR are selected as Management and given the SPL Generator. Some claim that the moment EMPLOYEES join Management, their two heads start to grow. You can actually hear some of the words of the other two heads while they wait to receive the generators. They start thanking the management and give the finger to the employees.

What to do if you are faced by a management in a dark alley. Keep saying the phrase, “Your leadership has really showed me the way”. This phrase apparently soothes management enough to get away with almost anything.

GGC: Graduate’s Guide to the Company

GGC: Talent


ggcT.A.L.E.N.T, though similar to the English(1) word “talent”,  is a machine level language used by Companies and Managers. 

T.A.L.E.N.T stands for Typically Asynchronus Language for Ensuring Notable Tension & temper.  The tension and temper, incidentally,  is caused to the other beings near a verbal exchange in T.A.L.E.N.T due to their complete misunderstanding of the ways of it. 

Little is known about T.A.L.E.N.T as it is only understood by the companies and another group of semi-humanoid beings called MANAGEMENT (MANAGEMENTs are covered in details in the 73rd edition of the Graduates Guide to the Corporates –GGC, an excellent book suitable for all individuals hoping to work in a company, completely unsuitable for anyone with the slightest bit of common sense).

 The beauty of T.A.L.E.N.T. lies in the fact that untrained ears consider it to be a meaningless exchange of bragging and blatant a$$-kissing. Following example defines the case in point. 

(The following conversation took place between two company managements, one higher in rank and a direct boss of the other) 

——————-

High Manger (HM): Well done! Pulled another 13 hour day, I see.

Low Manager (LM): Sir, with you as a leader, I never dream of going home. Who needs a wife when I have a job like this?

HM: Now, now. Work life balance is very important; we don’t want you to move away from your family.

LM: Boss, it doesn’t matter. My work is my motivation. The last big project we successfully implemented gave me more pleasure than anything I have ever felt. It feels good to be valued to be given so many important tasks.

HM: Yes, we like people whose work is their motivation. I personally feel I would still work even if the company stopped paying me.

——————-

At this point, the unfortunate listener hacked the LM to pieces and delivered a fatal blow to the HM. In his last breath the HM gave the only translation of T.A.L.E.N.T. ever heard by a humanoid.

 

——————-

High Manger (HM): Well done! Pulled another 13 hour day, I see. (You inefficient moron, I can do your work in 10 minutes)

Low Manager (LM): Sir, with you as a leader, I never dream of going home. Who needs a wife when I have a job like this? (Go ahead then. And where is that promotion I have been busting my a$$ for?)

HM: Now, now. Work life balance is very important; we don’t want you to move away from your family. (Promotion? What promotion?)

LM: Boss, it doesn’t matter. My work is my motivation. The last big project we successfully implemented gave me more pleasure than anything I have ever felt. It feels good to be valued to be given so many important tasks. (Then I have no choice but to look for other options. There are lots of other places!

HM: Yes, we like people whose work is their motivation. I personally feel I would still work even if the company stopped paying me. (Go right ahead. We have lots of people standing in line for your job at much lower pay.)

——————-

 

T.A.L.E.N.T is universally understood by all companies in all part of the galaxy. Some say, the proficiency of MANAGEMENT in T.A.L.E.N.T is what promotions are based on in companies. As a result most people feel that the braggers, a$$-kissers and the completely talentless (not to be mistaken with T.A.L.E.N.T.less) are the ones to get promoted in a company.

Which, of course, is exactly what happens.

(1) English is a grossly underdeveloped earthbound language used by humanoids and semi-humanoids.It does not even allow the simplest telepathic, telemorbismic or even day to day conversation. Inter-Galactic Council of Language (ICL, which is shunned by Inter-Galactic Permissible Lingua (IPL) for the simple reason that they eat into their profits!) defines English as, “A Medicore language like method of communication which is yet to decide on a way of saying hello. The current mode of greetings in English include “Greetings”, “Good Morning”, “Hey”, “Yo”, “Wazzup”, “Yo Maan”, “Whatcha Cookin’” (What cooking has to do with greeting is the beyond the comprehensive intellect of ICL and IPL combined), “Yo Bro”, “Hiya Sis” etc. and the less used but infinitely  more meaningful, “Hello”.)


Ever since I had a job, I constantly found myself wishing for a guide of some sort. To be honest, I was not really interested in a guide of any sort, I wanted the guide that is the mother of all guides. I wanted a guide  that knew anything and everything about working in a company, knew when to oil your boss and when to oil your bosses boss, knew how to choose between jobs and how to find new jobs. I wanted the guide of all guides. Basically I wanted a Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

Since there is very little chance of finding one such guide on Earth (it may be stressed that such a guide is most likely in existence somewhere in the universe simply due to the vastness of the universe itself and the law of probability), I have decided to write one myself. Therefore ladies, gentlemen, androids and corporate slaves, welcome to

The Company

According to the guide, the Company is the largest paradoxical being in the history of the universe. Anyone outside it’s influence want to be in it, and everyone in it wants to get out. The only other being that the Company is similar to is a Vogon. Therefore, by definition of a Vogon, a company is a large and unpleasant being mostly concerned with order among the people near it and a great fan of paperwork. It is not evil, in the sense of the word, but according to the people who has come into the contact of a Company, it is preferable to stay away from one. As for it’s love of paperwork, it is said that if the Companies were not in existence, there would be a lot more trees left in the universe. In fact, Composphere, the home planet of the Companies, was destroyed due to massive logging and paper-making leading to global warming and eventual destruction of the planet. (more…)